When Grief Is Complicated: Understanding Traumatic and Complex Bereavement
Photograph taken by Hope Anchor Therapy - Worsbrough, Barnsley, South Yorkshire
Grief is something we all experience understand, to a degree, yet nobody experiences it in quite the same way. When someone we love dies, we may expect sadness, tears and a sense of missing them. But sometimes grief becomes tangled with other experiences — trauma, shock, guilt, anger, unanswered questions, fear or even relief.
Sometimes the circumstances surrounding a death can make the grieving process particularly difficult. This might be following a sudden or unexpected death, a traumatic death, the death of a child, a complicated relationship, a death following a long period of illness or distress, or the devastating loss of someone to suicide.
In these circumstances, grief can feel like much more than simply missing someone. It can feel as though your whole sense of safety and understanding of the world has been shaken. This is where traumatic and complex bereavement can become important concepts to understand.
Grief doesn’t follow a set of rules
There is no single way to grieve. Some people cry every day, while others feel numb. Some people want to talk about the person constantly, while others cannot bear to say their name. You might feel heartbroken one moment and laugh at a memory the next.
You might feel completely overwhelmed for weeks and then have a surprisingly ordinary day, before a song, smell, photograph, anniversary or familiar place suddenly brings everything rushing back.
None of this means that you are grieving incorrectly.
Grief is not a straight line.
It doesn’t have a deadline, and there isn’t a point where you are supposed to have “moved on”. For many people, the intensity of grief gradually changes over time. But for some, particularly following sudden, traumatic or complicated circumstances, grief can remain deeply distressing and begin to affect everyday life.
When grief and trauma become intertwined
Grief and trauma are not the same thing, but sometimes they sit alongside each other. When a death has been sudden, unexpected or traumatic, the mind and body may struggle to make sense of what has happened.
You may find yourself replaying what happened, experiencing intrusive images or memories, feeling constantly on edge, becoming frightened about losing someone else, or avoiding places, conversations or reminders connected with the death. Sometimes you may find that your body reacts before your mind has even had time to understand why. This is because bereavement doesn’t only affect our emotions. It can affect our nervous system, our sense of safety, our relationships and our understanding of the world around us.
Sometimes the question isn’t simply, “How do I cope with losing this person?” It can also become, “How do I feel safe in the world again?”
When someone dies by suicide
Suicide bereavement can carry particular layers of complexity. There may be questions that can never be fully answered: Why? Could I have stopped it? Did they know how loved they were? Why didn’t they tell me? What did I miss? What if I’d called them that day?
These questions can be incredibly painful. There may also be feelings of guilt, anger, shame, confusion, abandonment or even relief, particularly if the person had experienced significant distress for a long time. Sometimes people feel ashamed of having these emotions. But having complicated feelings doesn’t mean you loved someone any less. You can love someone deeply and still feel angry with them. You can miss someone and feel relief that their suffering has ended. You can understand that their death wasn’t your fault while still wishing desperately that things could have been different.
Two seemingly opposing emotions can exist at the same time.
Suicide bereavement can also carry a sense of stigma or isolation. People may not know what to say, or the bereaved person may worry about how others will respond. This can leave someone feeling as though they have to carry their grief quietly.
You don’t have to.
Children and bereavement
When a child loses someone important to them, adults can sometimes become worried because their grief doesn’t look the way we expect it to. A child may cry one minute and want to play the next. They may seem completely fine and then suddenly become distressed. They may ask the same questions repeatedly, become clingier, angry, withdrawn or anxious, or struggle with sleep, school, concentration or separation. Some children may appear not to be affected at all. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Children often move in and out of their grief in ways that can look very different from adult grief. Their understanding of death also develops with age, and they may need to revisit what has happened as they grow and their understanding changes. A grieving child may not have the words to say, “I’m frightened that something might happen to someone else.” Instead, they might suddenly become very anxious when a parent leaves, complain of tummy aches, become angry, struggle to sleep or become unusually quiet.
Behaviour can sometimes be the language of grief.
This is why it is so important not to assume that a child who is playing, laughing or going about their normal activities isn’t grieving.
When a child has experienced a traumatic bereavement
When a death has been sudden, traumatic or by suicide, there can be an additional layer of complexity for children and young people. They may struggle to understand what happened, have frightening images or memories, or develop fears about their own safety or the safety of people they love. They may repeatedly ask questions as they try to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. They may also experience guilt or what can sometimes be described as magical thinking — believing that something they said, thought or did somehow caused the death. Following a traumatic death, children may also be exposed to information that they don’t fully understand. They may fill in the gaps themselves or create explanations that are more frightening than reality.
It can therefore be helpful to gently separate what happened, what they imagine happened, and what they are responsible for.
Children need developmentally appropriate explanations, reassurance and opportunities to revisit the conversation as their understanding develops. Most importantly, they need to hear clearly that they did not cause the death, could not have prevented it and are not responsible for what happened. Sometimes a child doesn’t need formal therapy. The support of safe, consistent adults, family, friends and school may be enough. But sometimes additional therapeutic support can provide a safe space to explore what has happened, particularly when the bereavement has been traumatic or the child’s grief is significantly affecting their everyday life.
What can help a grieving child?
There isn’t one right way to support a grieving child. What helps will depend on their age, development, relationship with the person who died and the circumstances of the loss. However, there are things that can provide a sense of safety and stability.
Keeping communication open can be incredibly important. You don’t have to have one big conversation about death and then never mention it again. Children may return to the subject repeatedly as they process what has happened and their understanding develops. It can also be helpful to use clear, honest and age-appropriate language. Euphemisms such as “gone to sleep” or “lost” can sometimes be confusing for children. Simple explanations can help them make sense of what has happened. Allowing children to ask questions is equally important. Some questions may be incredibly difficult to answer, particularly following a traumatic death or suicide. It is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Children don’t need adults to have every answer; they need adults who are willing to listen and help them feel safe. Where possible, maintaining familiar routines can also provide an important sense of stability. School, friendships, hobbies, bedtime routines and ordinary family activities can act as anchors when everything else feels uncertain. Children also need permission to experience all of their emotions. Sadness isn’t the only emotion that can follow a death. They may feel angry, frightened, confused, jealous, relieved or even happy. None of these feelings mean they didn’t love the person who died. Creating opportunities to remember can also be meaningful. Photos, stories, drawings, memory boxes, special places, music or rituals can help children maintain a continuing connection with someone they love and perhaps most importantly, let them still be a child. A grieving child doesn’t need to be brave all the time, and they don’t need to take care of the adults around them. They need opportunities to laugh, play, have fun and experience ordinary childhood moments alongside their grief.
Grief doesn’t have to take up every moment of their life.
Supporting the adult supporting the child
When a child is grieving, the adults around them are often grieving too. Parents and carers can sometimes feel an enormous pressure to hold everything together — to answer the questions, manage the emotions, keep routines going and protect their child from further pain, all while experiencing their own loss. But you don’t have to have all the answers. One of the most helpful things you can offer a grieving child is a safe adult who can acknowledge that something incredibly difficult has happened without being afraid of their emotions. And if you’re struggling too, your grief matters as well.
Seeking support for yourself isn’t taking anything away from your child. Sometimes supporting the adult around a child is an important part of supporting the child.
When might a child need additional support?
Most children will experience grief in their own way, and many will be supported through it by the people around them. However, sometimes additional therapeutic support can be helpful. You might notice that a child or young person is experiencing ongoing difficulties such as persistent anxiety or fear about themselves or others dying, significant changes in sleep or eating, difficulties separating from parents or carers, intrusive or frightening memories, persistent guilt or self-blame, becoming increasingly withdrawn or distressed, difficulties attending or engaging with school, significant changes in behaviour or emotional regulation, repeated worries about safety, or grief that appears to be significantly affecting their everyday life. Following a traumatic death, these responses can sometimes reflect not only grief but also the impact of trauma. Therapeutic support can provide a safe, age-appropriate space where a child doesn’t have to find all the right words. Through conversation, creativity, metaphor, sensory approaches and other therapeutic tools, we can gently explore what they are experiencing and help them develop ways of feeling safer and more able to cope.
There is no need to wait until things become overwhelming before asking for support.
There is no need to make grief disappear
One of the things I believe strongly in therapeutic work with bereavement is that the aim isn’t to take someone’s grief away. How could we simply remove the love, memories and relationship that existed? Instead, therapy can provide somewhere safe to make space for the grief. A place where you don’t have to protect other people from your feelings. A place where you can talk about the parts that feel impossible to say out loud. A place where anger is allowed, guilt can be explored and traumatic memories can be approached gently and at your own pace. It can also be a place where the relationship you had with the person who died can be remembered, honoured and understood, and where, gradually, you can begin to find a way of carrying the loss without it carrying you.
How I work with grief at Hope Anchor Therapy
My approach is trauma-informed, compassionate and person-centred. I don’t believe there is a formula for grief, and there isn’t a set number of sessions in which you are expected to “get over” someone. Instead, therapy is shaped around you, your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances of the death and what you need now. Depending on your needs, our work may include exploring grief and loss, traumatic memories, guilt and self-blame, anger and complicated emotions, anxiety and fear following loss, the impact of bereavement on relationships, changes in identity and sense of self, memories and continuing bonds with the person who died, nervous-system responses to trauma, finding ways to live alongside grief, rebuilding a sense of safety and, eventually, finding space for hope again. For children and young people, therapeutic work is adapted to their age, development, communication style and individual needs. Sometimes that means talking; sometimes it means using creativity, metaphor, sensory approaches, stories, play or other therapeutic activities to help a child communicate what they don’t yet have words for. The aim isn’t to force someone to talk about things before they’re ready. It’s about creating a space where they feel safe enough to explore, understand and process what they have experienced.
You don’t have to leave your grief behind
Perhaps one of the greatest misconceptions about grief is that the goal is to move on. I prefer to think about moving forward while carrying the person with you. The relationship doesn’t have to end simply because someone’s life has ended. You may continue to talk about them, celebrate them, remember them, carry their values, tell their stories and find meaning in what they gave you and slowly, in your own time, you can begin to build a life that contains both love for the person you’ve lost and hope for the life that remains. Because grief and hope can exist together.
You can miss someone and still laugh. You can have painful days and still have good ones. You can carry sadness and still experience joy. You can remember and still live and perhaps most importantly:
You don’t have to stop loving someone in order to begin healing.
If you’re struggling with bereavement
If your grief feels overwhelming, particularly if the death was sudden, traumatic or by suicide, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy can offer a safe, compassionate space to explore the parts of your grief that may feel too complicated, painful or difficult to share elsewhere.
At Hope Anchor Therapy, I offer trauma-informed therapeutic support for adults, children and young people experiencing bereavement, including traumatic and complex loss. Sometimes we don’t need someone to tell us how to let go. Sometimes we need someone to sit beside us while we learn how to carry what happened.
Hope Anchors the Soul
What is Neuro-Affirming Therapy
If you’ve recently come across the term neuro-affirming therapy, you may be wondering what it actually means and how it differs from traditional approaches to counselling.
At Hope Anchor Therapy, being neuro-affirming isn’t simply about recognising autism or ADHD. It’s about understanding, respecting and valuing the unique way each person’s brain, nervous system and experiences shape how they move through the world.
Seeing the person, not a problem to be fixed
For many years, neurodivergent people have been encouraged to hide parts of themselves to fit into a world that wasn’t designed with their needs in mind. This is often called masking.
While masking may help someone appear to cope on the outside, it can come at a significant emotional cost. Many people experience exhaustion, anxiety, burnout and a feeling of never quite being accepted for who they truly are.
A neuro-affirming approach recognises that autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence are not problems that need to be “fixed”. Instead, therapy focuses on understanding each person’s strengths, challenges and individual needs.
A nervous system-informed approach
Our nervous systems are constantly responding to the world around us.
For many neurodivergent people, everyday experiences such as noise, bright lights, busy environments or unexpected changes can feel overwhelming. These reactions are not signs of weakness or failure. They are often natural responses to an environment that feels unsafe or overstimulating.
Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with you?”, neuro-affirming therapy asks:
“What has happened, and what does your nervous system need right now?”
This shift encourages curiosity, compassion and understanding.
Therapy tailored to you
There is no “one size fits all” approach to therapy.
Some people prefer quiet reflection, while others communicate more easily through creativity, movement or practical strategies. Sessions should feel flexible and collaborative, adapting to your communication style and sensory needs wherever possible.
Therapy should never expect you to become someone you’re not. Instead, it should provide a safe space where you can understand yourself more deeply and develop ways of living that honour who you are.
How neuro-affirming therapy can help
Neuro-affirming therapy may support with:
Anxiety and overwhelm
Emotional regulation
Low self-esteem
School-related difficulties
Burnout and masking
Trauma
Relationships
Parenting neurodivergent children
Building self-understanding and self-acceptance
Every journey is different, and support is always tailored to the individual.
At Hope Anchor Therapy
At Hope Anchor Therapy, I offer trauma-informed, neuro-affirming counselling for women, children and young people in Barnsley, South Yorkshire and online throughout the UK.
Alongside my experience working within NHS CAMHS, I integrate counselling with nervous system-informed approaches to create a safe, compassionate space where you can explore your experiences at your own pace.
Whether you’re newly diagnosed, exploring whether you may be neurodivergent, supporting your child or simply looking for a therapist who understands the importance of working with your nervous system rather than against it, you’re welcome here.
You’re not alone
Seeking support can feel like a big step, but you don’t have to navigate it on your own.
If you’d like to find out whether neuro-affirming therapy feels right for you or your child, id love to support you. Your welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation where we can talk about your needs and answer any questions you may have.